Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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