This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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