I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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