I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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