i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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