i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
