well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
