In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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