Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
