if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
