I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
