You were right. It hurts to walk today.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
