ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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