Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Sorry about my life...
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
