If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
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