I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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