i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
