That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Girls should come with a carfax report
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Floor bacon is actually really good
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
