cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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