Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
