I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
