Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Just fell off a train. Bad.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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