I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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