Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Someone signed my nipple.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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