apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
