all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize