Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
3 2 1 whiskey
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Randomize
