i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm bleeding and have questions
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
