I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
