i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
