he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
