the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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