how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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