dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize