Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
3pm strippers are depressing
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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