I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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