He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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