And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Sober January is a disaster.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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