I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
