I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize