and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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