i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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