i already hear my dad disowning me
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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