This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I wish there were birth control emojis
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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