I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
