just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
