I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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