i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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