there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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