That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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