imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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