It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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