I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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