when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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