I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I have already put on my inside pants.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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