my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
