Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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