Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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