Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
