Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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