So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
