I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I am spending my child support on dildos
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
